Random Stories!
by Joker In The Pack
Summary: Just random stories I had on Twilight Archives. Im writing more. Hehe. SHOW SOME LOVE AND REVIEW! One and 2 shots will be added here, too.
1. Flamingo

**A/N: Dudeeee, sorry bout the hyperness, lmaooo. Enjoy!!**

Jasper was depressed. again.

Jasper was sitting in a dark corner.

Jasper was hugging a little doll.

Jasper's doll was called Alice2

Jasper loved Alice2 very much.

Jasper made Alice2 out of: a lock of Alice's hair, a sock, a shrunken dress and a ribbon.

Jasper was going crazy.

One day Jasper was in depressed mode.  
But then...  
A PURPLE FLAMINGO RAPED HIM.  
Then Edward raped it.  
And the story moves onto Edward.

''Wait, what story?!", Emmett yells.  
''THE ON ABOUT YOUR DIRTY LITTLE SECRETS'', screamed 'The story'  
Emmett starts singing...  
I'LL KEEP YOU MY DIRTY LITTLE SECERTTT,  
DON'T TELL ANYONE,  
OR YOU'LL BE JUST ANOTHER REGRET.  
HEY EDDIE, I KNOW YOUR DIRTY LIL SECRET.

Emmett then rapes Edward. (''Wheeeee'')  
Esme punches Edward, and screams at Jasper:  
HOW DAREYOU RAPE MY FLAMINGO...WAIT WHAT? "  
Jasper starts crying and hides under the sofa.  
Esme pulls one of Emmett's legs off, then pulls his **** off  
Then she pulls Carlisle's and Edward's **** off.  
And rapes herself.  
Then the REAL Alice walks in.

She was wearing....

A STRIPPER DRESS....

Then Bella came in....

She was wearing....

A STRIPPER DRESS....

They whirled round the collapsible posts they had.

So the purple flamingo raped Bella and Alice.

And they started singing the *cough* sexual version*cough* of the GUMMY BEAR SONG...

CAUSE IM A GUMMY BEAR,

CAUSE IM A YUMMY BEAR,

CAUSE IM A ******* LICKING **** SUCKIN GUMMY BEAR.

And with that, they promptly turned around and walked into a wall....

Oh dear.

Then Alice, ate a pancake.

Alice went crazy.

Needless to say, Edward is now bald.

Jasper has half an A***.

Carlisle has *cough* 'less manhood'*cough*

And Emmett has his stapled to his forehead.

Then.....A GIANT ORANGE PANCAKE ATTACKED THE MUTANT ZOMBIE ZEBRA, WHICH FELL ON EMMETT.

Emmett got COVERED IN GREEN SLIME.

Edward laughed...UNTIL HE WAS HIT IN THE FACE BY A MUTANT ZOMBIE ZEBRA PIE!!!

SPLAT! SMASH! OWCH!

Then Jasper came out from under the sofa.

Sucking his thumb and hugging Alice2.

Moments later, the werewolves started attacking them with spitballs.

They all jumped up to fight, except Jasper.

Jasper was sitting in a corner, sucking his thumb and hugging Alice2.

He didn't see what was happening.

Emmett started coughing.

He coughed and coughed.

Then something came out.

A rubber ducky!

"JASPER, I FOUND YOUR FUCKY DUCKY" Emmett screamed.

"YAY FUCKY DUCKY", Jasper yelled.

In the end, they all went to bed and didn't sleep.

**A/N: ahahaha.....so yeah...review? I'll update faster if you do (:**


	2. Convos

**FelixTheDoodle=Bella**

**Skettyyasree-x=Jasper**

**Dark=Edward**

**FelixTheDoodle: hey sket**

**Skettyyarsee-x: ohai**

**Skettyyarsee-x: cunt**

**FelixTheDoodle: ya kill everyone?**

**Skettyyarsee-x: yeh**

**Skettyyarsee-x: well**

**Skettyyarsee-x: Emmett did**

**FelixTheDoodle: hidden the bodies sufficently?**

**Skettyyarsee-x: with his cumshot**

**Skettyyarsee-x: he shot everyone**

**Skettyyarsee-x: :L**

**FelixTheDoodle: **

**FelixTheDoodle: imma rape u**

**Skettyyarsee-x: aah**

**FelixTheDoodle: GUESS WHERE I AM**

**Skettyyarsee-x: umm**

**Skettyyarsee-x: KIT KAT LAND?**

**FelixTheDoodle: NO WAY**

**FelixTheDoodle: THOSE KIT KATS ARE EVIL**

**FelixTheDoodle: THEY KEEP ATTACKING MEEE**

**Skettyyarsee-x: haa**

**FelixTheDoodle: *rpe***

**FelixTheDoodle: *rape***

**Skettyyarsee-x: AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH**

**Skettyyarsee-x: *runs***

**[ Skettyyarsee-x has left ][ left the room ]**

**[ You have entered room: Sweet Shop ]**

**FelixTheDoodle: boo**

**[ Skettyyarsee-x has left ][ left the room ]**

**FelixTheDoodle: you can run**

**[ Skettyyarsee-x has entered ]**

**[ Skettyyarsee-x has left ][ left the room ]**

**FelixTheDoodle: BUT U CANT HIDE**

**FelixTheDoodle: BWHAHAHAH**

**FelixTheDoodle: lol!**

**[ You have entered room: Main]**

**[ Skettyyarsee-x has left ][ left the room ]**

**FelixTheDoodle: gotcha**

**FelixTheDoodle: **

**[ You have entered room: Sweet Shop ]**

**[ You have entered room: Sweet Shop ]**

**FelixTheDoodle: rawr**

**Skettyyarsee-x: lool**

**FelixTheDoodle: come on**

**FelixTheDoodle: you know you wanna cyber me**

**FelixTheDoodle: im psychic**

**[ Skettyyarsee-x has left ][ left the room ]**

**[ You have entered room: Main ]**

**[ Skettyyarsee-x has left ][ quit ]**

**[ Skettyyarsee-x has entered ]**

**Skettyyarsee-x: mwuhahaha**

**FelixTheDoodle: I know you want to cyber me sket, you **

**cant deny the tent in your pants **

**Skettyyarsee-x: o.o**

**FelixTheDoodle: see, you know i know its true]**

**Skettyyarsee-x: *yells* NO**

**[ Skettyyarsee-x has left ][ left the room ]**

**[ Skettyyarsee-x has entered ]**

**FelixTheDoodle: rape isnt rape if its enjoyed, and you enjoy **

**it far too much**

**Skettyyarsee-x: lool**

**FelixTheDoodle: haha see you admit it**

**Skettyyarsee-x: O.o**

**FelixTheDoodle: cmon**

**FelixTheDoodle: you know its true**

**Skettyyarsee-x: er nah**

**FelixTheDoodle: er yah]**

**[ Skettyyarsee-x has left ][ left the room ]**

**[ You have entered room: Main]**

**[ Skettyyarsee-x has left ][ quit ]**

**FelixTheDoodle: cmon sket**

**[ Dark has entered ]**

**FelixTheDoodle: hey dark**

**Dark: Woah**

**Dark: Where is everyone?**

**FelixTheDoodle: Emmett killed them**

**FelixTheDoodle: with his cumshot**

**FelixTheDoodle: according to sket**

**Dark: Thereso only me and you**

**Dark: as far as I can see**

**FelixTheDoodle: and sket**

**FelixTheDoodle: skets hiding frm me**

**Dark: I don't see any sket**

**FelixTheDoodle: apparently im trying to rape her**

**FelixTheDoodle: shes in another room**

**[ Dark has left ][ left the room ]**

**FelixTheDoodle: hallucinating**

**[ Dark has entered ]**

**Dark: NOpe**

**Dark: Unfortunately not**

**FelixTheDoodle: ohyeah, she quit**

**FelixTheDoodle: maybe ill rape you**

**FelixTheDoodle: just for my amusement**

**FelixTheDoodle: lmao**

**FelixTheDoodle: **silence****

**FelixTheDoodle: Soooo….**

**FelixTheDoodle: Sup Whore?**

**FelixTheDoodle: Oh**

**FelixTheDoodle: so you're dead now**

**FelixTheDoodle: Greeeaaattt**

**Dark: Nm u**

**FelixTheDoodle: ooh you are alive**

**FelixTheDoodle: well thanks for asking, nobody seems to **

**care these days**

**FelixTheDoodle: my authoritis has been playing up**

**FelixTheDoodle: my eyelashes hurt and my dog is taped to **

**the ceiling**

**FelixTheDoodle: and kit kats keep attacking me**

**FelixTheDoodle: not to mention the dog isnt mine**

**FelixTheDoodle: nor does it resemble a dog**

**FelixTheDoodle: it just barks**

**FelixTheDoodle: wait**

**FelixTheDoodle: its a tree**

**FelixTheDoodle: okay, so why is there a tree taped to my **

**ceilingg?**

**Dark: Because**

**Dark: You have a dog?**

**FelixTheDoodle: no**

**FelixTheDoodle: i have a tree**

**Dark: On your ceiling?**

**Dark: You've gotten crazier since I last saw you.**

**Dark: Cya anyway**

**[ Dark has left ][ quit ]**

**A/N: Lmao, these are actual convos I had with people…Review, and check out my new story called The Suicide Notes. Preview of it is Bits And Bobs Chapter 4.…Cyaz!**


	3. Notes

**Bella**

_Edward_

Alice

**Emmett**

_**Jasper**_

**Oooohhhh, I'm BORED......**

**Oooooohhhh, ME TOO!!!**

**BORED BUDDIES!**

_Wow.....Bella, have you been eating sugar again?_

**DR SUESS!**

JUMP SHIP, WE'RE ALL DOOMED TO DIEEE *breaks down in tears*

**PMC, ALICE, WHAT HAPPENED, TELL MEEEEEE, WHAT HAPPENED *breaks down in tears***

_ALICE, ALICE, WHAT DID YOU SEE-Oh...Ew...._

**Would you care to enlighten me, my dear friends?**

**THAT'S WHAT SHE SAID, EMMETT!**

**THAT'S WHAT YOUR MOM SAID, BELLA!**

**THAT'S WHAT ROSALIE SAID WHEN SHE BITCH SLAPPED YOU!**

**Owch.**

OOOOOH, BURNNNN

_**Ice for that burn?**_

**GONNA FEEL THAT IN THE MORNING, EH?**

**That's so funny, I forgot to laugh.....**

**I HAVE FORSEEN........**

**Wha?**

**I HAVE FORSEEN.....**

_**Bella's turning into Alice....**_

**MY GOODNESS, THIS IS TERRIBLE......**

_Love, are you okay?_

*Bella screams*

Teacher: Bella, DETENTION.

Bella: Crap.

Emmett jumps up and screams: SHE'S INNOCENT, INNOCENT, I TELL YOU, I SWEARRRR, IT WAS ALICE, SHE STABBED HER, BECAUSE EDWARD STABBED ALICE, AND I STABBED EDDIE, BECAUSE NEWTON STABBED JASPER AND MADE HIM JUMP, SO HE STABBED ME AND WHEN I JUMPED, I STABBED EDDIE AND EDDIE JUMPED AND STABBED ALICE, AND ALICE JUMPED AND STABBED BELLA AND SHE SCREAMED, SO ITS NOT FAIR!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Teacher: Detention Newton, Cullenx4, and Swan.

_**Well done, genius**_

**I KNOW, IM SO CLEVER AREN'T I?!**

_**That was sarcasm....**_

**OOOOH BURNN**

Want ice for that burn?

_Anyway, Bella, what happened?_

**ALICE IS GONNA TAKE ME SHOPPING, I KNOW THAT EVIL SMILE ANYWHERE!!!!!!!!**

_Oh. Right._

**WHADDYA MEAN 'Oh. Right' THIS IS A MAJOR **

_**Dude, that's mean, nobody ever wants to shop with Alice cept Rosalie.**_

Alice glares at Jasper.

_**Uh, I'm sorry dearest evil pixie?**_

*Glare intensifies*

Then the bell rings.

_**Saved by the bell...phew...how clichéd tho...**_

Jasper.....YOU. ARE. GOING. TO. DIE.

_***screams and runs away***_

_Well, there goes Jasper and Alice._

**Ya wanna go to yours?**

_Yeah, might as well._

**A/N: There…this took me ages to write cause I kept forgetting bout it…Lmaoo….**


End file.
